sometimes, i am that girl.

you know. that girl. who is obsessed with getting married. or maybe just obsessed with dating or a particular guy. driving by his house…checking your phone for missed calls. a touch of psycho. (every woman has it.) oh, and everything being pink and frilly and curly. that girl who loves drama and thrives off of others misfortune as she climbs the social ladder with a big, white smile slapped across her made-up face.

ok. let’s be real. maybe that was a bit harsh.

i’ve never been one to make friends with other females super easily. nature or nurture? at a young age, within my own family, i was always on my dad and uncle’s teams playing trivia during holidays. i loved my barbie dolls but found it even more fascinating to take them on jungle adventures in my sandbox. my awesome neighbors, and i, growing up formed a club where our meetings took place in a tree that we all climbed. barefoot. and i was the secretary.

at the same time, i come from a pro-choice, pseudo-feminist family who embraces womens’s rights actively, so maybe this whole girly-girl pink loving female-osity was squashed from the beginning.

as i got older i began reading more thought provoking books (sorry babysisters club, and margaret mead, you were great for a time) and exploring religion more in depth. what did believe? what did i think? what truths were to be the center of who i am?

for awhile (call it rebellion, if you will) i swung way to the super conservative side. i joined a sorority and a baptist church. i also began dating a fraternity boy and we had this sort of picture-perfect relationship on the outside but with no real substance to hold things together on the inside. i became an ann taylor robot. and i just showed up in my tailored suits with a smile stamped across my face. day after day after day.

it’s so funny to look back on that time to where i am now. and for the sake of saying so, my sorority was incredible and i am proud of what we stand for…and i, in later years, went on staff at that particular baptist church and enjoyed partnering with them in faith.

so where was i? oh yes, the robot. after a time, i moved to dallas and found myself freed of robot-dom. i had a great experience finding community there and began meeting with one really awesome lady, kim miller, for coffee and cake and waffles. pottery barn shopping, and whathaveyou. i found such a great friend in her because to me, she represented the silly, fun, goofy side of being a girl and being young that i loved, and at the same time was loving life and her husband and trying to paint a picture with her life of what it looks like to love God as a woman.

kim was there for me in the crucial moments of leaving robot-dom. she taught me that it was okay to show emotions and, for goodness sakes, that it was okay to cry and most of all that it was okay to talk about how i was feeling, good or bad. i watched how she interacted with others and was continuously amazed that she had not become jaded in loving other people and being ‘cool’. she showed patience and honesty and i find myself, all the time, repeating things she has said to me.

which brings me to today. i know i’ve always been a late bloomer. i have always felt like i was catching on to things just a little bit later than everyone else. my greatest realization (actually spoken to me by my big sister when i lived in austin once before…i just wasn’t mature enough to understand what she meant yet) has been that it’s okay not to have things figured out all the time.

my faith has been something that has been a constant all of my life. i feel grounded in my belief of who Jesus Christ is because of the work He has done in my life and the lives of those around me. prayer is a powerful force and i believe learning about the life of Jesus has given me the ultimate-role model on how to live my life and make good choices.

with this at the core, life has allowed me to examine it in all kinds of different ways. it has been a journey that has taken twists and turns and has lead me through some incredibly beautiful scenery. i’ve been reflecting a lot, since turning another year older, and am just enjoying the confidence i have gained through those around me.

i am grateful for the trials and mistakes i have made, they’ve helped me find a balance that’s true to how God created me, and the gifts He has given me to use. i have been so blessed with people like kim, who for a season, has invested so much in the hodgepodge of who i am.

so yesterday.

last night i was hanging out with my friend amanda and her ‘little sister’ (from the big brother/big sister program) treasure, making cupcakes. it was so interesting to see how treasure, who is 11, reacted to our cupcake baking experience. there were some tantrums and fake tears, but also just genuine love and laughter. and let’s not forget the dancing. there were some serious moves.

during the evening, watching treasure and reflecting back to my life at 11…21…26…27…was just fascinating. life is so funny. at some point, i began channeling my mother (and other mother’s i’ve been around) when treasure continually pretended to choke on a piece of ice. i completely caught myself having these psychotic-bossy-woman moments. i panicked because that’s not me! i’m not that girl.

and then i though of kim. and you know, sometimes it’s okay to be that girl. and then i had fun.

i don’t really have a good way to wrap this post up. i’ve never been very good at endings. i think it’s because i haven’t had a good ending to anything. not that there’s been a bad ending, just no endings. what a journey we are on, and it’s not over. and neither is my learning and growing and the whole figuring out who i am completely. but can you imagine how boring life would be if you’d already read the last page?

2 thoughts on “sometimes, i am that girl.

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